The Anatomy of Peace by Arbinger

Author:Arbinger
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Berrett-Koehler publications
Published: 2015-09-07T04:00:00+00:00

“What do you suppose happens,” he said, “if I get in this box here toward Mordechai and then don’t get out?”

No one responded for a moment.

“Nothing will happen,” Lou finally said. “Everything will stay the same.”

“Yes, Lou, which is to say that I will end up carrying that box with me, right?”

“Yes, I guess that’s right,” Lou responded slowly, trying to grasp the implications.

At that, Yusuf added an arrow to the diagram, signifying how the box can travel with us.

“In other words,” Yusuf resumed, “If I get in this box and don’t get out, I end up taking the box with me. And in my next interaction with Mordechai, I am likely to start in the box— from the very beginning, right?”

Yusuf waited to see comprehension in the eyes before him. Sensing that they were understanding, he continued. “And if I’m already starting in the box, do you suppose I would be likely to have a sense or desire to help in my next interaction with Mordechai or with others I lump together with him?”

“Oh, I see,” Lou said. “No, you wouldn’t. You would start out bothered and bitter and angry. And in that state you probably wouldn’t have a sense to help at all.”

“That’s what I’m suggesting,” Yusuf agreed. “I can end up living in a big box from which I already perceive people as objects. When I develop such bigger boxes, I erupt whenever my justifications in the box are challenged or threatened. If I need to be seen as smart, for example, I will get anxious whenever I think my intelligence might be at issue—as, for example, when I am asked to speak in public or when I believe others are evaluating me. If I feel superior, I will be likely to erupt in anger or disdain if others fail to recognize how I am better, or if I perceive that someone is trying to make himself look better than me. And so on. I no longer need to betray my sense regarding another in order to be in the box toward him because I am already in the box. I am always on the lookout for offense when I’m in the box, and I will erupt whenever my justification claims are threatened.”

“So you’re saying that if I find I don’t have many such senses, it may be an indication that I’m already in a box, that I’m carrying my boxes with me, so to speak.”

“I’m suggesting that possibility, yes.”

Lou pondered this.

“I have a different question from Lou’s,” Carol said, raising her hand.

“Sure, go ahead.”

“My problem isn’t that I have too few of these senses to help. I’m worried that I have too many. And frankly, as I think about this, I’m a bit overwhelmed that I have to do everything I feel I should do in order not to betray myself.”

“I have the same question,” Ria said.

Yusuf nodded. “It’s a good thing, then, that that’s not what this means.”

“It’s not?” Carol asked hopefully.

“No. And to see why not, let’s look at the Choice Diagram again.

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